So if you saw the title of this blog and are still reading, thank you.
Shame is a heavy topic. Many people would rather talk about anything and do just about anything than talk about or acknowledge shame. I have been blessed to learn from the many books of Brene Brown. She has researched and written about shame, vulnerability, and living your best self, for many years. She focuses on how we can connect with ourselves and others. Actually, it is her work that inspired me to go grad school and become a therapist.
If you don’t now Brene, now would be a great time to look at her stuff. Or start with this little video:
That is her speaking at a talk about the difference. I may have shared that video before. I try to share it often. Anyway, so that’s her.
The thing I came to write about is shame and what things trigger our feelings of shame. Those triggers are going to be different for everyone. There may be things that trigger me that don’t bother you at all. There may be things that you and your spouse both feel heavily triggered by. Take a few minutes and reflect on the things that bring up a feeling of shame for you.
For me, there are many things that bring up shame. The idea of being in trouble is a big one. Did I overdraw our checking account? Did I get stopped for speeding? Did my boss have to correct me on something that I did at work? Those are all HUGE shame triggers.
Not unrelated to getting in trouble is another trigger for me: being a disappointment.
Does anyone else have that shame trigger? When I was younger, I worried so much about how my parents would feel about me if I made poor choices. I couldn’t handle the look in either of their eyes that said they had expected better. It was a huge motivator for me and kept me on the straight an narrow for quite a while.
The best thing to do with shame, according to Brene and others, is to speak it. Spoken shame lessens its power. Spoken shame cannot fester and make us depressed. Spoken shame can bring about a “Me too!” reaction from others that allows us to feel connected.
So if you find yourself triggered, as I do sometimes, please don’t hold it in. Speak your shame to someone you trust. Tell them how you feel. Tell them how it hurts. Hopefully they will respond with empathy. If they won’t, I promise I will do my best to do so!
