Katho McSquared's Blog

I think about my mom every day. Whether I am wondering what she would think of a situation or wishing I could talk to her, it is constant. Being the baby of my family, my mom was older when she had me. She had her first baby, my sister Patti, when she was 23. She had her last baby at 38. She once talked about how different it was when she was older.

It occurred to me the other day that when my mom was my age- 55, almost 56– this was us:

I was a brand new high school graduate. My parents were in the thick of running my dad’s business and figuring out life. They had seven (I think) grand kids, all of us kids, people having babies and getting married and life was lifing!

It is wild to look at this picture of my parents and realize I am her age and I am older than he was! I think I really look like my mom now, but looked more like my dad then. I was so young and naive. I had no idea all that lie ahead for me then.

I wonder what my mom would say of my life now. So much has changed, even since she died 4 years ago. I live in the south hills, not Oakmont. (Yes, I crossed bridges and went through tunnels!!) I am twice divorced. I have my own business (still terrifying!). I have taken on a ‘bonus’ kid just like they did.

I wonder what they were thinking back then. Probably something about almost being done with kids in school. From 1972 through 1992 (when I graduated), my parents had at least one kid in college every year except one: 1985-1986. Can you imagine? All 8 of us got bachelors degrees. Some of us have masters degrees. My parents valued education so very highly.

When other kids my age were debating next steps after high school, I was being told, “You are going to college. Pick one and we will figure out how to pay for it.” No debate. It was the plan. Period.

So back to being the age my mom was in this picture. She still had 4 more years of kids in school. I have one semester of a kid in school left–Louisa is that close to finishing her masters degree. They had four married kids. I have no married kids. They had 7 grandkids. I have 2 grand dogs and 3 grand cats. They had a mortgage. I rent. They had each other (They had been married for 33 years at that point…they made it to 67 before she passed). I am single.

I don’t know what the point of this post it. Just that it has been on my mind, the comparisons. And I miss them. And I desperately hope they are proud of me.

For many years, while working in Community Mental Health, I declared repeatedly that I had no desire to go into private practice. And yet, here I am. Time and various inflences led me here. I didn’t think I would like working alone and I thought I would miss having people around me. Surprise, surprise, I do like working alone and I DO miss having people around me.

My first full year of private practice felt like it passed in a blink. As they say, the days are long but the years are short. My second year brought a new office (soo much bigger!!!) and my first tax bill. OUCH! I didn’t estimate enough taxes so now I owe. That was exactly what I feared. And guess what? I am still plugging along. The worst happened and I am okay.

I have had some amazing moments in this office. I have seen clients make connections and gain insight. I have seen healing. I have witnessed tears and laughter, emotions and pain. I am honored by their trust and vulnerability.

I also had some really hard days. I had to call 911 for a client. That was overwhelming. I had no idea that the police and fire department would show up before the ambulance. I also got fired by a family for doing what I am legally required to do. I have had to say goodbye to clients because they moved away. I have had to say goodbye to clients because they lost their job and have no insurance. I also got to say goodbye because they reached their goals and don’t need me any more!

This a weird job. I get to be intimately close to people during their healing process. And then, they move on, and I don’t get to know what becomes of them. I have to fully invest my care in them and then completely let go.

This job– well, it’s way more than a job– this vocation has made me a better person. I have learned so much about people and resiliency. I have seen first-hand how trauma can lead to post-traumatic growth and how many awful things can be redeemed.

When my kids were little, I remember thinking how being a mom was the hardest job I would ever love. That is true, but this one is a very close second!

Oh and if you would like to check out my profile, here you go!

https://www.psychologytoday.com/profile/1332943

These pictures came up on my photo memories as being from 7 years ago. I cannot believe I graduated with my masters degree that long ago. In some ways, it seems like yesterday. In others, a lifetime ago.

Since that day, so much has changed. I spent most of those years working in community mental health at Persad. I worked with hundreds of clients and families to build skills and process trauma. I became a Licensed Professiona Counselor in 2023. That was quite the accomplishment! I became trained and then certified in EMDR therapy. I specialized my training in attachment trauma and became grounded in my identity as a skilled therapist.

Other changes since 2019 include: surviving a global pandemic, losing both of my parents, all of my children graduating from college, the end of my marriage, moving out of Oakmont, the death of my ex-husband, and moving into private practice.

The girl on the right in that photo did not fathom any of that. I had just finished, what I believed at that point, to have been the most intense and exhausting year of my life. I was learning constantly. I was finally becoming who I was meant to be. I had no idea of all the loss and change ahead.

I look at that younger version of myself-still in my 40s, full of hope and promise–and feel a bit sad. I am sad for her. She is about to get kicked by life over and over and has no idea. She is going to learn the hardest way possible, just how strong she can be. She is also going to lose most of the “friends” she has. Of all the people I relied on then to support me…there are none left in my life now. Some have become acquaintences. Some have walked away completely. Some I still hold in my heart as dear, but are just not around. And of course, many have died.

I wish I could tell that girl to hug her people tighter. I wish she could know how good she had it. In spite of how hard things were at times, things were also great. I don’t think I realized it then. I am going to try hard to be better at knowing it now.

Recently, both professionally and personally, I have really been struggling with the heaviness of life. These photos have brought me lovely memories, a little melancholy, and a powerful reminder of what actually matters.

Here’s to the next 7 years and beyond!

For quite a while now, I have been struggling with horrible neck pain. I see a structural massage therapist as often as I can, which is about 2x a month. He helps a lot in the moment, but so far, nothing helps permanently. I have an at-home device he recommended, I stretch, and I try to be mindful of how I hold my head. I can’t seem to get true relief.

Last week I had Reiki, in hopes that it might help. My reiki therapist gave me new insight to my pain. I don’t remember how she said it, but basically she said that I am holding a lot of rage in my body, and that until I release it, my neck will not get better.

Woah.

Why is my body full of rage? Do I really have to explain??

The world is currently on fire. Every day is a new day of dystopian hell where queer people, especially transgender people, are being targeted. I feel so helpless. I have queer kids and can’t protect them from the world. I have queer clients and all I can do is hold space. So many people are in pain and afraid. So much intentional harm is happening, and I feel powerless to do anything about it.

I joined a gym last week in hopes of relief. I am talking more. I am trying to ask for help and I am using all of my coping skills. Journalling has been very helpful. This blog, when I remember to write it, is helpful. Connecting to people who share my rage is helpful. I have reached out to a friend about serving the queer community more. I want to make a difference where I can. I can’t let the assholes win!

Are you feelng the rage too? What are you finding helpful to cope? I really would appreciate any other ideas or suggestions. Thank you.

We all can get caught up in life.

Betrayal.

Hurt feelings.

Then your child texts you and says, “I need to call you, badly.”

That is not our usual convo.

“Mom! I flipped my car!”

“I hit the pole.”

She just kept saying those things over and over.

I was too far away to wrap my arms around her.

That’s all I wanted to do.

My baby girl was hurt. She had an accident.

The rest of the world no longer matters.

One of my favorite shows is Shrinking. It is on Apple TV. The premise is: ” A therapist, Jimmy Laird, dealing with severe grief after his wife’s death, begins to breach ethical barriers by telling his patients what he really thinks, resulting in massive changes to his and their lives.” The therapist, played by Jason Segal, is hilarious, endearing, broken and relatable.

In one of the current seasons, there is a new character, Maya, who is very guarded. She has historically not found therapy to be helpful. Her therapist, Gabby, feels stuck at times because Maya is so guarded. As they start to connect and build rapport, Maya finally opens up and says, “Sometimes I just feel the whole universe is conspiring to keep me lonely. I am so fucking lonely.” Woah. What a vulnerable statement!

As soon as she said that, I had to pause the show and write it down. It hit home with me. For many reasons, I have feel incredibly lonely. The intimate connection I crave with people in my life has not been there as much as I would like. It is easy to get overwhelmed by that loneliness and to begin to believe that it is a conspiracy.

Fortunately, I have allowed myself time to sit with this idea. I have reflected on why I am missing connections. I have also looked at what I can and cannot control in my life that keeps me feeling isolated and alone. I am a slow processor and have allowed myself time to make sense of my reactions to that quote.

So back to the question.. is the universe conspiring to keep me lonely? Damn, wouldn’t that be an egotistical belief??? As if the universe gives two shits about me?? HA!

I am lonely for many reasons, none of which involves the universe or conspiracies. I am lonely because I work a lot. I am lonely because I am single. I am lonely because I have had changes to my friendships. I am lonely because I withdraw when overwhelmed. All of these reasons are on me.

The good news is, my loneliness has been fleeting. I do have deep connections with many people. When I was struggling with grief, I reached out to my kids and they all stepped up. When I was feeling overwhelemd, I reached out to a friend and he was there without hesitation. When I needed comfort, I reached out and Daisy Joy offered it unconditionallly.

It is so easy to get lost in big beliefs and to push off the things we could control. Also, while searching for the right meme about being insignificant, I found this silly one. I’ll just leave it here for you to ponder!

Last November, I noticed that John Cusack, probably my biggest celebrity crush from high school, was going to be in Pittsburgh to talk about his movie, Serendipity. Also a favorite. I immediately purchased two tickets. I had no idea who would go with me, but it made no sense to buy only one.

Fast forward, I have been seeing a guy on and off. Yes, I have mentioned him before. We were back on and talking about the show. I was excited. Then I got the dreadful, “I’m overwhelmed and you deserve better” text for the THIRD time and I knew I was going solo. I tried to find someone to go with me, but no one was free.

As Cusack was speaking at Carnegie Music Hall, I really didn’t want to deal with parking. So I asked Isaiah to drop me off. He did so, on his way to work. As I walked into the venue, I thought things looked a bit off. The entrance was dark. So I walked up to the side entrance.

I was greeted by a young man, Tyrone. He was the security guard. I showed him my phone with the ticket on it. He said, “Oh, you are at the wrong place. That’s at the Carnegie Music Hall in Homestead.”

Um, what?

So, I had not even looked at my ticket. He was absolutely correct. And as a life long Pittsburgher, how did I not know there was more than one???

ugh

It was too late to ask Isaiah to come back. Tyrone showed me the correct address. I started chatting with him about my evening. I told him I had been dumped. He so kindly offered to be my date! His boss was not open to him leaving, though he was also kind and hilarious. Turns out he is a stand up comedian!!!

Now, if I had allowed myself to get upset and overwhelmed by my error, I would have missed out on fun conversation! Tyrone and Jeremiah were sweet and funny. Of course Ubers take a while, so they just kept me company. I got a notice that an Uber driver was on his way and we all rejoiced. A few minutes later, I got a notification that I had been dropped and the app was looking for another driver. Jeremiah commented, “Dumped again!” and we all laughed!

Twice while I waited, other employees walked through the space and complimented my look. I needed that!!!

Finally, I got assigned another Uber. I got to the correct venue only 30 minutes late. I left my business card with Tyrone, who said he needs a new therapist, and swapped social media with Jeremiah.

Turns out, they were showing the movie Serendipity first. I have seen that movie about 20 times, so being late was no big deal. Once it was over, they brought John out to talk and answer questions. He was funny and charming, as expected.

I had a blast and met new people. Yes, I lost money on the unused ticket. Oh well. What I did not lose was the opportunity to try something new and connect wih people.

Be present! Roll with the punches. Don’t stress over silly mistakes. Life is to damn short!!!

And yay to seeing your high school crush a few decades later!

As I said in my last post, I am already braced for the anniversary of both of my parents’ death: February 9. I know that what I need most to get through that day is connection. I need to feel connected to my parents. I need to feel connected to my kids. And I need to feel connected to myself. So what does that mean?

First, connected to my parents–to me, this means a few things. First, a new tattoo in their honor. I currently have 7 tattoo that are directly or indirectly to them: their names and birthdays wound around my right arm; my dad’s quote, “It’s not that I say life is hard. Life is hard” on my right shoulder. “All becase two people fell in love 11/23/1954” on my right sternum; A red cardinal for my mom and a yellow cardinal for my dad on my left sternum (yes, I know the irony of that and I think my parents would love it!!!); Apple-Tree and a tree of life on my left shoulder; “McGrath and a claddaugh on my left wrist.” So this year, I have reached out to the amazing Chris Churchfield for an another tattoo to honor them. The plan is lose and tentative. I trust him implicitly! I asked that he do something about roots and wings, so stay tuned! I will also connect to my parents by talking to them. I do this most days, especially my mom.

Next, connected to my kids–since they are spread all over, this means Zoom! I have set up a Zoom call so that we can share stories of my parents. August will join from St. Paul, MN. Their fiancé may also join, if he is available. Louisa will join from Erie, PA. Mia will join from Oakmont, PA. And Isaiah is hoping to join. He didn’t get to meet my parents, as he joined my family as my son after they had both passed. He wants to hear the stories, though. I know my parents would have loved him and are proud that he is in our family now.

Finally, connected to myself–this one is not yet set. I have really been working on my mental health. I have been writing letters and being much more mindful of how my daily choices affect my wellbeing. I have neglected my physical health, though. Perhaps I will find a way to do something more physical that day? The current forecast for that day is 32 degrees and partly cloudy. That’s not too bad for maybe a walk? We shall see. I will also spend time praying, writing, and maybe blogging again!

I have been listening to Anderson Cooper’s podcast about grief. It’s called, “All there is with Anderson Cooper.” I highly recommend it. I find myself laughing and crying and feeling very connected. The best thing grief can do for us is connect us. I truly believe that.

If you think of it on Monday, please send some prayers/positive vibes to my family and I. My parents left both an enormous legacy and a cavernous vacancy. Adjusting to life wuthout them is a work in progress. And if you happen to have any memories of my parents, please leave them here or on Facebook. I would love to share them with my kids!

Here we go again. This day is full of so much emotion. On this day in 2022, my mom died. She was my person. I feel her absence every single day.

On this day in 2023, my dad died. I am sure he died from a broken heart. After 67 years of marriage, he was lost without her.

I am honored to have spent each of their last days with them. I cherish those memories.

I have tried to honor both of my parents on this day. I am so grateful to have been their child. I cannot speak enough about all that they did for me.

Here I am, ready to face 4 (3) years without them. And truly?

I DON’T WANT TO!!!

I feel their absence more deeply than I ever have. I don’t know if it’s because the world is on fire or because my life has been hard, but FUCK I could really use them right now.

Mom, you were the best person I have ever known. If I can be a fraction of the person you were, I’ll be proud.

Dad, the way you loved mom has set me up to believe that I deserve that. And for that, I am grateful.

I miss you both with every fiber of my being.

Fuck.

I had therapy yesterday. I have had a lot of therapy in my lifetime, to be honest. I am currently seeing my therapist monthly. We have worked through a lot together and I am so grateful for her.

During my session yesterday, she was checking in with me about life updates, relationships, my work, my kids, etc. With some choices that lie before me, she asked what I wanted. My answer, which is often my answer when asked about the future, was, “I honestly don’t know.”

I don’t have a plan in my head for where my life should go. Maybe it’s the aphantasia (lack of visual images), but I just don’t think that way. I never have. When I went to college it was to be a teacher. I never pictured myself with a classroom or had any plan for where I wanted to end up. With both of my marriages, I had no idea how my life would look. I made decisions, in the moment, based on how I felt at that moment. Same with grad school. I decided I wanted to be a therapist. I never had any clue where I wanted to work, with what population, or in what setting.

My therapist remarked, “So, this organic development to your life and this go with the flow attitude has me thinking. Your family of origin is not like that. Maybe thar is part of what made you feel you didn’t belong?”

Woah. That was insightful. It is true. I am not a planner. Planning for the future does not interest or comfort me. I want to be right here, right now, with whatever is in front of me. I don’t know if either of my parents had that in them. Maybe my dad a bit? I only say that because I am so much like him. Athough they lived a very seemingly planned life.

She then went on to explain why the normal reflection on past relationships and red flags does not work for me. I don’t think that way. She has encouraged me to try to look at my relationships from a bird’s eye view and look for patterns. She thinks that will serve me better than trying to plan for what I want, since I don’t do that.

The other aha moment came when she reflected this to me: When I feel connected in a relationship, I no longer attend to my own needs. That has been my pattern. It is why I have stayed in relationships that were not healthy and for far too long. Once I feel connected to a person, I am all in and do not pay attention to my own experiences of the relationship. How F-ed up is that?

It is true and I am so grateful that she has helped me to make that connection. As I navigate current and future relationships, I will not repeat that pattern. I will stay grounded in me. I will not ignore my feelings to appease others. I will not make myself small for anyone, ever again.

I wish there was a way to send my blog to my mom in heaven. I miss her responses and reactions. I think she would be really proud of how hard I have worked to get to where I am. At least, I hope she would be.