I am currently listening to Brene Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection, on my way to and from work. I have already read it once before, so this is like revisiting a conversation with an old friend. One of the many things she talks about in the book is how we, as Americans, use our addictions to numb our feelings. This can mean way more than drugs or alcohol… it can mean food, exercise, internet, shopping, staying busy, and more. We all have stuff we use to numb us from the feelings that are too uncomfortable to feel.

The Gifts of Imperfection

I have been thinking about this a lot lately, especially in regards to my own addictions. I have many, including food, alcohol, social media, and caffeine. I am sure there are more if I think about it, but I am guessing you get the idea.

As I look at my list, however, I need to think more about the idea of numbing. I definitely use a lot of those for numbing, but not alcohol. For me, alcohol is the opposite. It is the thing that makes me feel most awake and alive. Why is that?

Am I numbing all the other times? I often joke that I don’t have a filter… you know, that thing between your brain and your mouth that keeps you from saying things that are inappropriate? And it is true… I tend to say things that are probably better left in my brain. But when I have a drink, that becomes amplified. The journey from thought to speech is suddenly instant. I don’t even have time to wonder if I should say it… because it’s already been said.

So is that a good thing or a bad thing? Maybe it’s neither… but it does make me think. Should we edit ourselves? I am not a fan of hurting people’s feelings, and I definitely hate confrontation. Am I using alcohol as an excuse for saying the things I am not brave enough to say when sober? Hmmm…

So numbing… it is a distinct possibility I have trained myself to numb my thoughts for so long, that it is only with alcohol that I feel free enough to let them fly. I don’t know about you, but I have generally had extremely low self esteem. I’ve come a long way in my 46 years, and I am nowhere near as painfully insecure as I was in high school. I think most days I handle myself pretty well, although the numbing is still there. I do fear upsetting people. I fear confrontation. I fear making people mad or sad, and I fear how they will act towards me once they feel that way.

I guess I do have a filter, even if it’s a tiny one. And I do numb. So the next thing to get curious about is… do I drink too much? Is my use of alcohol a problem? I will put thought into this for a while. If I surveyed the people in my life, I can probably guess what they would say… so that would not help. What I need to do is dig up what it is that alcohol does for me, and why can’t I do it without the help?

Maybe it’s better if I don’t have the help! Maybe that filter is good? Maybe I am supposed to keep some thoughts to myself? (Why on earth would I want to do that?!?!?)

So yeah, this has been a mixed bag of serious and silly. But these are the thoughts bouncing around in my brain. I had to turn the book off on my way to work because I was too busy thinking to listen… which made me realize it might help to write it all out. You’re welcome!

Anyone else have these sorts of thoughts? Do you numb? Do you have a filter? Should we un-filter ourselves more often? I’d love to hear from you!!!