I don’t normally blog this often, but today will be a ‘twice in one day’ kind of blogging day.

I was cleaning up my email a bit and went nosing through some old emails. One folder is labeled ‘personal’ and I honestly couldn’t recall what I had in it. So I went back, and back, and back… the oldest email in there is from 2001. It is a mixed bag of emails from various people, but one of them really has affected me.

It is actually a brief email conversation between myself and my dear friend, Kim. I emailed her and she replied. The date of my email is December 18, 2006. Her reply was the next day. The subject of my email was, “I moved out.”

Just seeing that subject with the date, I knew what it was about. And yet, I clicked it and re-read my words from over 11 years ago. I won’t share it all here, because that’s not fair to my ex-husband or children, but the gist of it was that I had finally reached the point of leaving him and had done so. In about 3 hours, my mom and some friends helped me move the necessary stuff out of the house I had grown up in.

I have spent most of this week thinking about the fact that I met my husband, Mikey, 7 years ago and that he makes me laugh every day. I have had happy, positive, silly thoughts all week. But this email has me feeling quite melancholy. It’s a heavy feeling, and I am hoping that writing about it will help me figure out why.

I suspect it has something to do with how raw my feelings were in that first email. I was exhausted and terrified. I had no idea what was ahead. I didn’t know if we were going to divorce or reconcile. The kids were not handling things well. It was a truly hard day. I had pushed all that to the far corner of my mind and seeing that email brought it all back out.

Please bare with me while I just let my thoughts flow freely….

I hope my kids know I didn’t want to do that. I remember them being so small. They were 8, 7 and 5. They were sad and scared. We all slept together in one big bed. We all cried. I just wanted so badly to protect them from the ugly, and there were were, smack dab in the middle of it. Ugly, awful, hurtfulness.

I have no idea how I got through that night, or the next one. I have no idea how I got through 18 months of separation limbo. I got through divorce and dating and hurting and all that messiness. I tried really hard to be the best mom I could be. I tried. Honest, I tried.

Not from 2006, but not soon after…they were so little!

Could I have done things better? Different? Could anyone have made that marriage work? None of these questions are helpful. I know that. And I am not wallowing, just allowing the questions to come. I am so grateful that I left that day. I have three amazing kids. I have met so many wonderful people and I have had grown immensely. Who I was on December 18, 2006 does not even exist any more. Deep inside, the feelings are there. But the woman I am is stronger, healthier, happier and joyful.

Thank you to any and all of you who have walked the journey with me. It’s not an anniversary or anything, but it still means something that I found that email today. And thank you for reading these rambling thoughts. I still have an ache. I may always have an ache. But it feels good to have thought about it all.

Eleven years ago, I had to figure out how to get three kids to school every day and home again. I had to figure out what to do with them when I wasn’t working and how to manage Mia’s autism. I was often hurt, angry, terrified and lonely.

Holy hell, I got through! Maybe I am supposed to remember those hard times to appreciate how far I’ve come? Look at my kids! August is in college and truly themself! Mia has been accepted to college into a program that will help her excel! And Louisa is the absolute sweetest and most loving kiddo I could have hoped for. She is beautiful inside and out.

My grown up kids fill me with joy!

Time is a crazy thing and can make us forget about all the details. It’s good to stop and reflect on them every once in a while. Thank you for joining me in my reflection.