As a twice divorced woman, I have a lot of thoughts and opinions about dating. My first marriage lasted 14 years and gave me three amazing kids. My second marriage lasted 12 years and gave me my career.

Since my second divorce, I have dated a couple people. Initially, I fell into the same patterns that I had followed in my marriages. I avoided conflict. I made myself smaller and smaller and became a caretaker with no awareness of my own needs.

After some significant EMDR therapy, I have finally begun to identify and deconstruct the negative beliefs that had driven those patterns.

The first was, “I don’t matter.” Why would I create and hold boundaries when I didn’t value myself? That had to change!

The second was, “I’m alone.” This one kept me from asking for help or reaching out when struggling. Honestly, this one is still a struggle.

Another is, “If I take care of you, you will love me.” This is so deeply ingrained in me. I am still a work in progress with this one too.

“I am too much.” Yeah, that one was a very loud belief I held for a very long time. I am thrilled to report I don’t believe that at all any more. I won’t make myself small for anyone. I like how loud, emotional, colorful and outspoken I am!

I share this to say that people can change. I am working very hard, thanks to two amazing therapists, to do so. I am undoing the damage of my trauma to emerge into my authentic self.

It only took 55 years!