I honestly forgot that I have a blog. My mom was the one to prompt me to write, so without her, I forget. I have been so busy and overwhelmed with life. This was always the way for me to make sense of things, and I forgot.

Almost three months ago, my ex-husband killed himself. He had always struggled with depression. His entire life, it was a battle for him. He carried around so much pain and it came out in rage. He had been trying to get healthy. He was in therapy. He had been through intensive treatment and seemed to be doing okay.

On August 6, 2024, I was flying home from Minnesota, having driven with August and Luis from DC to St. Paul. They were relocating for Luis’ grad school. It had been a wonderful trip and I loved having so much time with them. After a quick stop at the Mall of America for me to buy souveniers, they dropped me at the airport. I got my bag checked and was having lunch. I had been texting Mikey about the trip. He was asking questions and responding as always. My last text from him was at 1:09pm. I got on the plane and put my phone in airplane mode. The trip was uneventful and easy.

When we landed, I put my phone back into working order. I texted Mikey that I had landed. I made my way to baggage claim. On my way, I got a SnapChat message from Susie. She’s married to one of his coworkers. It said, “Bill and I are here for you, if you need anything.” I thought, that’s nice. But weird? I asked her what she was talking about. My heart began to race. I had the heaviest feeling of dread. She was apologizing and saying she needed to get to a quiet place to talk. I got to baggage claim and called her.

She told me he had died at work. I could tell she did not want to be the person delivering this news. I can’t blame her. She put Bill on the phone. I asked him if he shot himself. He said yes. I could not make sense of it. I was crying. I felt like my body was on fire and my brain wanted to explode. How could this be real??? A nearby woman came over and asked if I was okay. I said, “My ex-husband died.” Then I dragged my luggage and went outside. I wanted to be kinder, but I couldn’t think. It was raining. So much of that day is a blur now. If only I had blogged then, I might remember it better.

Over the next few days, I learned some things. I talked on the phone to so many people. A kind police detective gave me more details. He told me about the notes Mike had left. The head of Allegheny Emergency Services called to offer his condolences. One of the two coworkers who had found his body called me. He told me about having lunch with Mike on that day. That Mike had said he left something in the car. He never showed up for his shift, so they went looking for him. They tried giving him CPR. I couldn’t imagine it.

I had to break the news to his aunt and cousin. I think they were still grieving his mom and this blow was just too much. I had to tell his childhood best friend, who informed me that he had taken a gun from Mike years ago. I even had to let his therapist know. He was incredulous. Mike had been doing so well. Each time I shared the awful news, I ached for them and for him. Many of his co-workers reached out on Facebook. So many questions. I just let the world spin around me. We had a celebration of his life at his favorite place, Carnivores in Oakmont. So many people came. They told stories and laughed. There were tears and toasts. It felt so wrong to me. None of it made sense at all. He was so loved. He never believed it.

Three months later, I am still mired in the financial mess he left. I waver between sadness, anger, frutration and disbelief. The house that once was my happy place is a mess. So many things had begun to break or fall apart and he had never done anything to repair it. The dogs, Winnie and Tiny, still live there. I have not been able to find anyone to take them. The neighbor, Josh, cares for them every day. They miss Mike so much.

I don’t want the house. It is full of too many hard memories. I also don’t want his car. Servicemaster informed me that it is finally clean and ready for repair. I can’t imagine anyone would want a car that had been the scene of a suicide. I think I am going to just call Chrystler and have them take it back.

There are bills and taxes he mis-filed and a house in foreclosure and a car that is not paid off. I know that he was probably so lonely, so overwhelmed with life. He missed his family. His parents and brother were gone. Winnie, his absolute joy, is blind and mostly deaf. Watching her age must have made things so much worse.

After all of this is over and his debts are paid, I am taking a trip to Ireland. Mike always wanted to go there, much more than I ever did. I will go there, and remember him and lay to rest all of the grief I feel. I have to believe that the McQuillans are together in heaven, having a Summer Shandy, and laughing.