I have been having conversations around this idea for quite a while. Years ago, August expressed how tired they were of having to educate others about what transgender and non-binary mean. I get it. They just want to live their life and not carry the burden of teaching others. Being a trans person in America is hard. Having your identity constantly invalidated is soul-crushing. As their mom, I have tried to carry that burden as often as I am able. It’s a big part of why I became a therapist to the LGBTQ community!

Recently, with issues around Black Lives Matter, I see that statement or similar statements from other white friends. They post something that challenges the All Lives Matter crowd. One of their social media friends throws up, “But what about black on black crime??” or some other falsehood. The original poster says, “Be like me and do your own research!”

I get that too. You took the time to learn. You read the books and uncovered the history that was white washed by your teachers. You challenged your internal beliefs and came out a much better person on the other side. I am thrilled to see so many people speaking up in favor of BLM. And yes, it gets exhausting to always be educating. But here is where I’d like to challenge everyone.

White America has been actively shaming blacks for centuries. With a constitution that valued blacks at 2/3 of a human, followed by constant abuse around black people’s place as property, we have made the message clear: black people are less-than. Black people are unworthy. Black people are shameful.

Imagine living with that your whole life? Your grandparents had to survive that. Centuries of trauma, passed down through the generations. Each time a black person found a way to rise up, whites got scared and tried even hard to hold them down.

Imagine having to teach your children how to interact with police or white people because they actually will die if they step out of line? (actually, they can be sleeping and die, but that’s for another day).

The burden has been on them for so long. Can we please help with that? What a gift it would be to use our own white voices to educate. I hope you realize that a white person is more likely to listen to another white person because of their own internal racism. They won’t shut down in shame at the first realization if they feel a connection with the speaker. They might even listen.

Another thought: Maybe that second person doesn’t know HOW to do real research. Maybe they have small children and are limited in the time and energy they can spend learning. I remember having three little kids, and all I was lucky if I had the energy to do anything once they were in bed!  Maybe that person is surrounded by people who will shame them if they are seen or heard questioning the group think? When we say, “Do your own research” and they don’t know how or can’t, we are shaming them too.

Guys, shame is not helpful. Shame makes people stuff their feelings and get angry. It makes secrets deeper and continues to keep hate and anger alive. This is why it is so much more productive to call people in than to call them out. Invite them into a safe space to question and be wrong. A place where they could actually dismantle their internal racism and begin to grow.

Friends, we are all tired. I get it. Really. The world is currently surviving a pandemic and the USofA is under the terror of Trump and race wars. I listen to clients struggle for hours and hold their hard feelings with them. I have trans clients who are stuck at home with family who deadnames them. I have black clients who are exhausted by white people who seem to think this whole race thing should just be over by now. I often feel depleted after a long day. We are all tired.

But are you 400+ years tired? Because we have so much more left to give than our black friends. It is time for us to bring a light to the darkness. Let us gently challenge what has been wrong for centuries. Let us give places for people to see the errors in their thinking, and then help them to construct a better way.

You may plant the first gentle seed that could lead someone to not just stop being racist… they might even become anti-racist. And wouldn’t that make America great, finally, for the very first time?