Part of the process of learning to be a therapist is something called supervision. During supervision, we talk about work we are doing with our clients and get feedback.

Yesterday during supervision, I was explaining some struggles I was having with a client. It came down to my own anxiety and frustration with people who are very quiet/don’t emote. It was not at all about the client, which is called transference, by the way.

I should mention that I have been in therapy for almost 20 years. I have been digging up my ‘stuff’ and trying to become the best version of me for a very long time.

But yesterday, during supervision, I realized more about myself than I had in a very long time.

What I realized is that I cannot stand when people don’t show emotion around me. It makes me anxious and uncomfortable. I can’t read them. It feels so ambiguous to me and that brings me back to a very difficult and challenging time in my life: my first marriage.

I spent most of those 14+ years not knowing how to read him. I never knew what he was thinking and he never shared until he would explode. I call that time, and that experience, limbo. It’s like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the storm. Walking on eggshells.

Limbo, to me, is worse than anything. It is worse than the storm. It is worse than being raged at. It is worse than fury unleashed. It is worse than tears or screams or anger.

I know how to respond to all of that other stuff. I know what to say to calm down someone in rage. I know how to help someone who is overcome by grief.

But, to this day, I don’t know what to do with limbo. I just don’t. And I honestly hate it.

The good news is, though, now that I know this is why quiet people make me so uncomfortable, I can handle it. It’s not about them. It’s about me. And my stuff is totally manageable.

What about you? What experiences with other people push your buttons? What emotions make you nuts? What takes you back to those hard times?

If it’s limbo, just know.. I get it.