Since my last blog, I have stopped and started to blog quite a few times. In case you ever wonder why I haven’t posted in a while, odds are… I am still not quite sure I want to say what it is I’ve said.

Blogs are such a funny thing. Sometimes people write a blog and strike such a strong chord that those blogs go viral. Then they become almost a celebrity force of their own. I am guessing that most blogs, like mine, stay much smaller. I have had a few posts go fairly active. It’s always kind of fun when I get an alert to my WordPress app that my ‘stats are booming!’

All of that being said, my blog is really more personal to me than that. I use it to help me work through and process the hard things in my world. It is a way to do my own self-care. Without this blog, I hold on to way too many heavy things, and that is never good.

I am always surprised that so many of you take the time to read what I have written. Thank you for that, by the way. But I don’t read nearly as much as I write, so I guess I don’t quite get where you guys are coming from! LOL

Anyway, let me briefly cover the various topics I have attempted to share and then stopped myself.

First, I had a frustrating and on-going conflict with my ex-husband. He simply does not understand so many things, and as a result, most of our interactions infuriate me. As a result of all of this, I have now set a countdown event in my phone. Take a look:

See the title? FREEDOM. That is Louisa’s 18th birthday… it cannot come soon enough.

Okay, so the next thing I blogged about (but didn’t publish) was the “Me too” movement that happened on social media last week. I was one of many, many (like 6 million?) women who made “Me too” my status. I have survived sexual assault as well as rape. I can talk about them without feeling triggered or shamed. I am willing to share and am willing to listen. But what I think that this movement has really done that is SO POWERFUL is that it supported all of those other women who were not ready to post “me too.”

I have been a survivor for 30 years now. I am free from the heaviness of what happened to me the first time, as well as the later times. I have healed a lot and while there is always room for improvement, I was able to share without feeling awful. Millions of women are out there still buried under an incredibly heavy blanket of shame. They don’t feel ready or able to share. They may not have even gotten to the point where they can acknowledge what actually happened to them.

This is a lot of heavy, guys. This is just a small piece of our very, very broken society.

Some of the reactions to the ‘me too’ movement that surprised me were these:

1. One woman commented that she thought it was useless and only highlighted the already horrific way women are treated in our society. I was grateful she responded with how she honestly felt. Her friends and myself shared our own feelings, and it ended up being a very healing and helpful conversation.
2. An uplifting video I saw was by a man who was able to acknowledge his own role in misogyny. The “me too” movement had shed light on it and he was finally able to both see it, and admit it. His message is a powerful one. If you want to watch it, I share the link on my FB page.
3. We spent the beginning of one of my grad school classes talking about ‘Me too’ and what it has meant to each of us. I found that the two men in my class taught me a lot about having perspective and listening.

Another thing that I have almost blogged about is the relationship between my kids and my husband. Mikey joined our family legally over 6 years ago. Even then, he was clear that he did not want to try to take the place of my kids’ dad. He was respectful of what role he should play.  In spite of that, Mikey has managed to fulfill the role of dad more than any biological person related to my kids. They love him. They respect him. They want to make him proud. And they trust him. So yeah, that’s been on my mind. I actually have a screen shot of something August said about Mikey. I want to share it here, but I don’t yet have permission from August. So I will just say that it warms my heart. <3

One extra heavy topic that has been weighing heavy on me was the one-year anniversary of Ciara’s death. If you don’t know who that is, Ciara was a lovely young woman who was in Mia’s class. She was struck by a train last year while she was jogging and died. One year later, our town is still processing the loss. I don’t have any idea how hard this is on her parents or siblings, but I know it’s been hard on my kids and I.

At the funeral home last year, Mia broke down. She was overwhelmed by the sheer number of people who were sad about Ciara, as well as her own sadness. When I tried to ask her about it, she said, “I wish I had died in her place! Then none of these people would be sad and Ciara would be here.” When someone tries to tell you kids with autism have no emotion, send them to me. My kiddo feels emotion at an exponential level.  Even after that day, and the funeral, Mia carried so much sadness and heavy with her.

Adding to all this heavy, there was an unfortunate incident that was indirectly related to this sad anniversary. Last weekend was our community’s homecoming. And as the kids in their lovely outfits are want to do, there were dozens and dozens of photo sessions. One group did as many have done before for those pictures… they gathered at a lovely area in Oakmont. The area always has trees and flowers and great lighting. The group took lots of fun and beautiful pictures. Unfortunately, that area also features rail road tracks. So on the anniversary of our loss of Ciara, we all saw picture after picture of these teenagers posing on the railroad tracks.

It has been hard to watch so many people get so angry about it from all sides.  I think that the anger, for pretty much everyone, is stemming from feelings of hurt. The kids on in the pictures feel hurt and shame for being called out. And while it is true that many people have done pictures exactly like those, we now know that it is a dangerous thing to do. And when we know better, we should do better.

And the parents of those kids are angry because they don’t want to see their kids hurting. I get it. We protect our kids when they are hurting.

Those who love and miss Ciara are hurt that the harsh lesson her death taught us was not respected by these kids and their photographers. They want to protect our community from this ever happening again, but not everyone is taking it that way.

Finally, we have to remember how Ciara’s family, who are already feeling raw and broken, are feeling triggered and re-traumatized by it all.

I have to ask: What is the most important thing here, guys? Is it that our feelings are hurt and we are embarrassed because we have been called out for a bad (and actually illegal decision) or is it that we are actually causing harm to a family and a community?

I don’t think I have had this many things bouncing around in my brain for a while… at least not so many heavy things. I want us all to try to remember that we are all doing the best we can, and that mistakes are going to happen. I screw up more than daily. I just hope I learn from my mistakes and do better next time.

If anything I have shared inspires you to share your thoughts in return, I’d love to hear them. Please, reply. Or email me. Or post on Facebook.