I wrote yesterday. I used a pen and lined paper and wrote.
I have been struggling with thoughts and feelings for a while now. It’s all about my ex-husband and the marriage I survived. I am not here to trash him but to heal. That being said, I am going to share what I wrote yesterday, and it may be hard to read. So maybe don’t keep reading if you don’t want to read hard stuff, okay?
So a month or so ago, my ex came to me and apologized. Since then, I have struggled with accepting his apology (I told him I accepted it, but emotionally I was still struggling). Why couldn’t I just say okay and move on? What was the issue, dammit??? (Imagine me yelling this at myself)
Yesterday I wrote this, and it helped me realize why this struggle is happening. If you have ever survived something, this might resonate with you.
Everything
I feel ungrateful. He has finally apologized. But it’s not enough.
He said he was sorry for everything.
Everything.
Everything? What does that mean to him?
Does everything include his emotional and verbal abuse?
Does everything include the trauma that his rages inflicted?
Does everything include the harm he inflicted on our children?
Does everything include his pathological need to control me and every aspect of our marriage?
Does everything include the objects and parts of the house he broke and destroyed when he was angry?
Does everything include when he left me with no health insurance for myself or our kids and no bathroom in which to bathe them?
Does everything include lies about ever loving me?
Does everything include rape?
He is sorry for everything… at least, he says he is.
But I’m still broken and hurting from everything — and the healing I have found will not be undone so that he can feel better.
Everything does not mean anything to me.
I debated sharing this. I am not out to inflict harm to him. But if I am to heal, to really heal, I need to put words to the pain I wrestle with. I don’t need further apologies from him… I need space and to process it so that it can finally stop affecting me.
Kathy
I always found “everything” is the cop-out at the end of trying to figure out what the specific is supposed to be. Maybe “everything” for him will not be a check-list similar to the one you have or will always have. Accept it – then forget about forgiving him. Forgive yourself. Yeah – forgive yourself for still being angry.
Then draw strength from the fact you survived it all, you were smart enough to recognize you and your children deserve better, you were strong enough to get to a better place, resourceful enough to survive combat and you are now open to a life where possibilities and real love are available.
You are an amazing woman…you are a strong woman…and you don’t deserve to look back on that part of your life other than to make sure you never repeat it. Much love to you! Saralyn
Thank you so much, Saralyn. I am trying to learn and move on. Your kind words help!
One day at a time , , , one prayer at a time . . .
Thank you, Dad.