Katho McSquared's Blog

One of my favorite shows is Shrinking. It is on Apple TV. The premise is: ” A therapist, Jimmy Laird, dealing with severe grief after his wife’s death, begins to breach ethical barriers by telling his patients what he really thinks, resulting in massive changes to his and their lives.” The therapist, played by Jason Segal, is hilarious, endearing, broken and relatable.

In one of the current seasons, there is a new character, Maya, who is very guarded. She has historically not found therapy to be helpful. Her therapist, Gabby, feels stuck at times because Maya is so guarded. As they start to connect and build rapport, Maya finally opens up and says, “Sometimes I just feel the whole universe is conspiring to keep me lonely. I am so fucking lonely.” Woah. What a vulnerable statement!

As soon as she said that, I had to pause the show and write it down. It hit home with me. For many reasons, I have feel incredibly lonely. The intimate connection I crave with people in my life has not been there as much as I would like. It is easy to get overwhelmed by that loneliness and to begin to believe that it is a conspiracy.

Fortunately, I have allowed myself time to sit with this idea. I have reflected on why I am missing connections. I have also looked at what I can and cannot control in my life that keeps me feeling isolated and alone. I am a slow processor and have allowed myself time to make sense of my reactions to that quote.

So back to the question.. is the universe conspiring to keep me lonely? Damn, wouldn’t that be an egotistical belief??? As if the universe gives two shits about me?? HA!

I am lonely for many reasons, none of which involves the universe or conspiracies. I am lonely because I work a lot. I am lonely because I am single. I am lonely because I have had changes to my friendships. I am lonely because I withdraw when overwhelmed. All of these reasons are on me.

The good news is, my loneliness has been fleeting. I do have deep connections with many people. When I was struggling with grief, I reached out to my kids and they all stepped up. When I was feeling overwhelemd, I reached out to a friend and he was there without hesitation. When I needed comfort, I reached out and Daisy Joy offered it unconditionallly.

It is so easy to get lost in big beliefs and to push off the things we could control. Also, while searching for the right meme about being insignificant, I found this silly one. I’ll just leave it here for you to ponder!

Last November, I noticed that John Cusack, probably my biggest celebrity crush from high school, was going to be in Pittsburgh to talk about his movie, Serendipity. Also a favorite. I immediately purchased two tickets. I had no idea who would go with me, but it made no sense to buy only one.

Fast forward, I have been seeing a guy on and off. Yes, I have mentioned him before. We were back on and talking about the show. I was excited. Then I got the dreadful, “I’m overwhelmed and you deserve better” text for the THIRD time and I knew I was going solo. I tried to find someone to go with me, but no one was free.

As Cusack was speaking at Carnegie Music Hall, I really didn’t want to deal with parking. So I asked Isaiah to drop me off. He did so, on his way to work. As I walked into the venue, I thought things looked a bit off. The entrance was dark. So I walked up to the side entrance.

I was greeted by a young man, Tyrone. He was the security guard. I showed him my phone with the ticket on it. He said, “Oh, you are at the wrong place. That’s at the Carnegie Music Hall in Homestead.”

Um, what?

So, I had not even looked at my ticket. He was absolutely correct. And as a life long Pittsburgher, how did I not know there was more than one???

ugh

It was too late to ask Isaiah to come back. Tyrone showed me the correct address. I started chatting with him about my evening. I told him I had been dumped. He so kindly offered to be my date! His boss was not open to him leaving, though he was also kind and hilarious. Turns out he is a stand up comedian!!!

Now, if I had allowed myself to get upset and overwhelmed by my error, I would have missed out on fun conversation! Tyrone and Jeremiah were sweet and funny. Of course Ubers take a while, so they just kept me company. I got a notice that an Uber driver was on his way and we all rejoiced. A few minutes later, I got a notification that I had been dropped and the app was looking for another driver. Jeremiah commented, “Dumped again!” and we all laughed!

Twice while I waited, other employees walked through the space and complimented my look. I needed that!!!

Finally, I got assigned another Uber. I got to the correct venue only 30 minutes late. I left my business card with Tyrone, who said he needs a new therapist, and swapped social media with Jeremiah.

Turns out, they were showing the movie Serendipity first. I have seen that movie about 20 times, so being late was no big deal. Once it was over, they brought John out to talk and answer questions. He was funny and charming, as expected.

I had a blast and met new people. Yes, I lost money on the unused ticket. Oh well. What I did not lose was the opportunity to try something new and connect wih people.

Be present! Roll with the punches. Don’t stress over silly mistakes. Life is to damn short!!!

And yay to seeing your high school crush a few decades later!

As I said in my last post, I am already braced for the anniversary of both of my parents’ death: February 9. I know that what I need most to get through that day is connection. I need to feel connected to my parents. I need to feel connected to my kids. And I need to feel connected to myself. So what does that mean?

First, connected to my parents–to me, this means a few things. First, a new tattoo in their honor. I currently have 7 tattoo that are directly or indirectly to them: their names and birthdays wound around my right arm; my dad’s quote, “It’s not that I say life is hard. Life is hard” on my right shoulder. “All becase two people fell in love 11/23/1954” on my right sternum; A red cardinal for my mom and a yellow cardinal for my dad on my left sternum (yes, I know the irony of that and I think my parents would love it!!!); Apple-Tree and a tree of life on my left shoulder; “McGrath and a claddaugh on my left wrist.” So this year, I have reached out to the amazing Chris Churchfield for an another tattoo to honor them. The plan is lose and tentative. I trust him implicitly! I asked that he do something about roots and wings, so stay tuned! I will also connect to my parents by talking to them. I do this most days, especially my mom.

Next, connected to my kids–since they are spread all over, this means Zoom! I have set up a Zoom call so that we can share stories of my parents. August will join from St. Paul, MN. Their fiancé may also join, if he is available. Louisa will join from Erie, PA. Mia will join from Oakmont, PA. And Isaiah is hoping to join. He didn’t get to meet my parents, as he joined my family as my son after they had both passed. He wants to hear the stories, though. I know my parents would have loved him and are proud that he is in our family now.

Finally, connected to myself–this one is not yet set. I have really been working on my mental health. I have been writing letters and being much more mindful of how my daily choices affect my wellbeing. I have neglected my physical health, though. Perhaps I will find a way to do something more physical that day? The current forecast for that day is 32 degrees and partly cloudy. That’s not too bad for maybe a walk? We shall see. I will also spend time praying, writing, and maybe blogging again!

I have been listening to Anderson Cooper’s podcast about grief. It’s called, “All there is with Anderson Cooper.” I highly recommend it. I find myself laughing and crying and feeling very connected. The best thing grief can do for us is connect us. I truly believe that.

If you think of it on Monday, please send some prayers/positive vibes to my family and I. My parents left both an enormous legacy and a cavernous vacancy. Adjusting to life wuthout them is a work in progress. And if you happen to have any memories of my parents, please leave them here or on Facebook. I would love to share them with my kids!

Here we go again. This day is full of so much emotion. On this day in 2022, my mom died. She was my person. I feel her absence every single day.

On this day in 2023, my dad died. I am sure he died from a broken heart. After 67 years of marriage, he was lost without her.

I am honored to have spent each of their last days with them. I cherish those memories.

I have tried to honor both of my parents on this day. I am so grateful to have been their child. I cannot speak enough about all that they did for me.

Here I am, ready to face 4 (3) years without them. And truly?

I DON’T WANT TO!!!

I feel their absence more deeply than I ever have. I don’t know if it’s because the world is on fire or because my life has been hard, but FUCK I could really use them right now.

Mom, you were the best person I have ever known. If I can be a fraction of the person you were, I’ll be proud.

Dad, the way you loved mom has set me up to believe that I deserve that. And for that, I am grateful.

I miss you both with every fiber of my being.

Fuck.

I had therapy yesterday. I have had a lot of therapy in my lifetime, to be honest. I am currently seeing my therapist monthly. We have worked through a lot together and I am so grateful for her.

During my session yesterday, she was checking in with me about life updates, relationships, my work, my kids, etc. With some choices that lie before me, she asked what I wanted. My answer, which is often my answer when asked about the future, was, “I honestly don’t know.”

I don’t have a plan in my head for where my life should go. Maybe it’s the aphantasia (lack of visual images), but I just don’t think that way. I never have. When I went to college it was to be a teacher. I never pictured myself with a classroom or had any plan for where I wanted to end up. With both of my marriages, I had no idea how my life would look. I made decisions, in the moment, based on how I felt at that moment. Same with grad school. I decided I wanted to be a therapist. I never had any clue where I wanted to work, with what population, or in what setting.

My therapist remarked, “So, this organic development to your life and this go with the flow attitude has me thinking. Your family of origin is not like that. Maybe thar is part of what made you feel you didn’t belong?”

Woah. That was insightful. It is true. I am not a planner. Planning for the future does not interest or comfort me. I want to be right here, right now, with whatever is in front of me. I don’t know if either of my parents had that in them. Maybe my dad a bit? I only say that because I am so much like him. Athough they lived a very seemingly planned life.

She then went on to explain why the normal reflection on past relationships and red flags does not work for me. I don’t think that way. She has encouraged me to try to look at my relationships from a bird’s eye view and look for patterns. She thinks that will serve me better than trying to plan for what I want, since I don’t do that.

The other aha moment came when she reflected this to me: When I feel connected in a relationship, I no longer attend to my own needs. That has been my pattern. It is why I have stayed in relationships that were not healthy and for far too long. Once I feel connected to a person, I am all in and do not pay attention to my own experiences of the relationship. How F-ed up is that?

It is true and I am so grateful that she has helped me to make that connection. As I navigate current and future relationships, I will not repeat that pattern. I will stay grounded in me. I will not ignore my feelings to appease others. I will not make myself small for anyone, ever again.

I wish there was a way to send my blog to my mom in heaven. I miss her responses and reactions. I think she would be really proud of how hard I have worked to get to where I am. At least, I hope she would be.

A few days ago, I received this from a client who was tryinig to figure out how they felt about it:

My first thought was, what sort of horrible therapist did this person have? Why would a therapist willingly encourage a client to stay stuck? I suppose a cynical person would say for the money. I don’t know. This job is hard enough. What gets me motivated and passionate about the work is the changes I see in my clients.

This post feels like yet another attempt at discrediting the whole idea of mental health treatment. First our degrees were deemed “not professional.” Then ChatGPT offers to replace counselors completely. Now we are being accused of harm instead of help. What would motivate this?

When I see a person make a connection or gain insight, I feel honored to be there. It is a privilege to sit with someone as they process their trauma or admit how it has impacted them. There is no navel gazing in my sessions and we do not avoid anything.

I don’t have the source of the above comment so I cannot refute the author directly. I do have many questions for them, though. And let me just say that my clients are some of the bravest people I know. So actually, I think they only thing I want to say to the author is this. “Fuck off!”

Not productive, I know. To dare to call the people who do the hard work of healing “cowards” is offensive and ridiculous. Trashing therapy is cowardice. Do the work, my friend. Maybe then you won’t be so cynical about the incredible experience that therapy can be.

I can’t help but think about one of my favorite childhood memories. It is the very reason that New Year’s Eve is my favorite holiday. Have I already blogged about this? I don’t remember. Oh well, I’m doing this anyway!

When I was 9, we lived in Ohio. It was December 31, 1979. I have no idea where the rest of my family was on that night, as I don’t remember anyone else being there. (To be fair, as the youngest of 8, I often was left to my own devices.) The Christmas tree was still up and the twinkle lights made the night feel magical. The living room was quiet except for Dick Clark on the television. I watched with excitement and wonder as the ball dropped and the crowd counted down to midnight. Then they announced it was now 1980! It felt monumental to enter into a whole new decade!!! The soft glow of the twinkle lights, the joy from the people in Times Square, the sense of awe that time was marked this way all combined to make a moment of pure joy.

To this day, I love that moment. I love the sense of a new year and a clean slate. I love the celebration and community feel of being together as the old year ends and the new one begins. I have spent NYE in so many ways. Even the most joyful have not lived up to that night when I was 9. And that’s okay. I still hold the magic of that night in my heart.

This was taken about the same time as my memory. Please enjoy all of the 70s goodness. And make special note of the beer stein and pretzel wallpaper. My mom loved it.

Not gonna lie. It sucks. Not that dating at any age is easy. It has never been for me. And as a twice-divorced person, it has not gotten any easier. In case you happen to be one of those happily married people who have no idea what I’m talking about, allow me to share some of my experiences.

First, the apps. They are terrible. There is Tinder, Bumble, Match, Her, Lux, and many others. As a queer woman, I avoid the ones targeted for men/gay men. I have been on them all. There is also Facebook Dating. I’ve met quite a few people. I’ve gone on dates and even met someone I thought was a good match. Yeah, no. So I continue to try. Because I like being in a relationship. In spite of all the misses, I really do.

So once you match with someone, you start chatting. Some people are direct about what they want. It is generally sex and they don’t hesitate to say so. I actually appreciate that kind of honesty. Then there are the game plalyers who claim not to want sex. Then you meet them and they just wanted sex. Don’t get me wrong. Sex is great. But don’t play games. Seriously. It’s gross and irritating and so fucking immature.

Starting over with each person is just exhausting. Let me tell you my history. Let’s hear yours. What are you looking for? Do we have things in common? Do you live near me? Do you have time to date? Will you actually communicate more than a weekly, “miss u” ?? Yeah… currently dealing with that.

And can I talk about the cruel irony of how mis-aligned sex drive is at my age? I am post-menopause. I currently have a very high drive. (If that is tmi, sorry. just being honest!) Sadly. many men my age can’t seem to do much withiout that little blue pill. And even that is no guarantee. Ugh.

I don’t know what the answer is. I am bisexual and have gone on a few dates with women. I am open to whatever human can be the following three things:

1. Emotionally available
2. Curious
3. Reciprocal

Am I asking for too much? It certainly feels like I am.

Rant over.

This morning, Daisy and I met a friend for breakfast before heading to volunteer at the airport. We went to Eat N Park, a Pittsburgh staple.

The server, Jes, was quite taken by Daisy. She and another employee brought cheese to treat her.

As we enjoyed our breakfast, a woman a few tables away started to talk to Daisy. She commented on how beautiful she is.

She asked is if I take her to hospitals or nursing homes. I explained that we go to the airport to look for stressed out passengers.

She was a bit chatty and quite friendly. I apologized to my friend for the interruption. He laughed and said I was like his dad and talked to everyone.

It’s true. I really can talk to anyone. I get it from both of my parents. They made friends everywhere they went.

The server brought our check and we continued to chat. When it was time to go, I got my card out. Jes then said, “She took care of it already.”

“What? Who?!”

“The woman you were talking to. She said thank you for your service.”

I was floored. No one has ever done that for me! My friend joked that we should meet every Sunday for breakfast as it was free!

What a sweet surprise and lovely way to start our morning.

Ma’am, wherever you are, thank you. Your generosity is greatly appreciated.

I swear every day is a fresh hell.

This is fun:

So the 7 years of college, thousands of hours of supervised practice, and hundreds of hours of specialized training do not make me a professional?

If you voted for Trump and you work in any of these fields, or have loved ones who do… YOU DID THIS.

Can I please go back to bed and wake up to a world that is no longer dystopian? PLEASE???