I had therapy yesterday. I have had a lot of therapy in my lifetime, to be honest. I am currently seeing my therapist monthly. We have worked through a lot together and I am so grateful for her.

During my session yesterday, she was checking in with me about life updates, relationships, my work, my kids, etc. With some choices that lie before me, she asked what I wanted. My answer, which is often my answer when asked about the future, was, “I honestly don’t know.”

I don’t have a plan in my head for where my life should go. Maybe it’s the aphantasia (lack of visual images), but I just don’t think that way. I never have. When I went to college it was to be a teacher. I never pictured myself with a classroom or had any plan for where I wanted to end up. With both of my marriages, I had no idea how my life would look. I made decisions, in the moment, based on how I felt at that moment. Same with grad school. I decided I wanted to be a therapist. I never had any clue where I wanted to work, with what population, or in what setting.

My therapist remarked, “So, this organic development to your life and this go with the flow attitude has me thinking. Your family of origin is not like that. Maybe thar is part of what made you feel you didn’t belong?”

Woah. That was insightful. It is true. I am not a planner. Planning for the future does not interest or comfort me. I want to be right here, right now, with whatever is in front of me. I don’t know if either of my parents had that in them. Maybe my dad a bit? I only say that because I am so much like him. Athough they lived a very seemingly planned life.

She then went on to explain why the normal reflection on past relationships and red flags does not work for me. I don’t think that way. She has encouraged me to try to look at my relationships from a bird’s eye view and look for patterns. She thinks that will serve me better than trying to plan for what I want, since I don’t do that.

The other aha moment came when she reflected this to me: When I feel connected in a relationship, I no longer attend to my own needs. That has been my pattern. It is why I have stayed in relationships that were not healthy and for far too long. Once I feel connected to a person, I am all in and do not pay attention to my own experiences of the relationship. How F-ed up is that?

It is true and I am so grateful that she has helped me to make that connection. As I navigate current and future relationships, I will not repeat that pattern. I will stay grounded in me. I will not ignore my feelings to appease others. I will not make myself small for anyone, ever again.

I wish there was a way to send my blog to my mom in heaven. I miss her responses and reactions. I think she would be really proud of how hard I have worked to get to where I am. At least, I hope she would be.