If you are my friend on Facebook, then you know that August had surgery yesterday. It was a great thing and we were excited for this step in their journey. We arrived at Children’s Hospital in the morning and were there all day. As I drove home well after darkness has started to fall, I was completely exhausted.

I made up a recovery area for August on the couch with lots of pillows and blankets. The puppies quickly settled into their role as nursemaid to August. Mikey, Louisa, and Mia came home from a quick trip to Dairy Queen to get our patient a milkshake. I dispensed the pain meds and antibiotics. After quite a few episodes of Kimmy Schmidt (the new season is out!!!), I turned off the tv and told August to sleep.

And then I flashed back to all of the times over the last almost 19 years of taking care of my baby. When they had repeated ear infections and I slept with them curled up in my arms; when they had a kidney infection and I slept with them on the cot at Children’s Hospital; when they had a terrible stomach flu over Halloween and I slept next to them with a garbage bag, ready for whatever; when they broke their finger and had a rough night of pain and I slept with them on the couch; and other times when they have needed me…. It all came back to me in a flash and I realized that for one moment, my baby was a baby again.

Okay, not really, but kind of. My kid actually needed me. After watching August become one of the most fiercely independent young people I know, they actually needed me. They were vulnerable and weak.

Last night, I slept on the floor while my baby slept on the couch. I woke up at some point because their breathing changed. After listening for it to settle back into a normal rhythm, I was able to sleep again.

Today I am working from home so I can continue to attend to them. I have to be honest… I am not cut out to be a nurse. The process of cleaning out the drains and such is making me a bit weak. But while my kid is weak, I will be strong.

The number of times I will get to be ‘the mom’ to my kids is seriously decreasing. With teenagers, I am constantly being pushed away. So I am just going to hold on to these few moments while I can. And I am going to keep attending to my baby, even though my baby is almost all grown up.

Because that’s pretty much the definition of a mom, isn’t it?