This morning, I asked my daughter to take a couple of pictures of me. A friend had texted and asked for new pictures because she wanted to see how I looked. So after I was finished getting ready, I passed my phone to Louisa and posed a couple of times. She passed the phone back to me and I took a look.  My first thought upon looking at the pictures?

That’s not me.

I know me. I’m a fat girl. I’m the chubby one. I’m the one who fills up the picture with rolls and rolls of flab. I’ve been that girl my whole life. That’s the real me. Those pictures? I’m not sure who those are, but they’re not me.

As I thought about this through the morning, it occurred to me why I am having these thoughts. I feel like an impostor.

There are women who have spent their whole lives being a size 8 or 10. They feel confident in their bodies because they have experience being thin. I have gained and lost weight so many times over the last 30 years that I no longer trust my body at all. Deep inside, I feel quite confident that my body will simply balloon back up to a size 22 at any moment. This size 16 body I am currently wearing is not permanent.

Someone is going to find out. Someone is going to walk up to me today and say, “Who do you think you are, pretending to be thin?!? I know the real you and you are a FAT GIRL. Quit playing and get back to who you really are!”

Do you have any idea what it is like? If you have ever struggled with your weight, you probably do. If you haven’t, then just believe me. It sucks.

So, here I go. I must accept that this person in the picture really is me. And that I have a really good chance of staying this size, or smaller. And that I am not an imposter. That fat girl is gone. She does not get to live in my body any more.

Here she is… the girl who really is me. Not the fat girl. The me that gets up at 5am every morning to walk. The me who keeps her friends informed of her progress for accountability and support. The me who needs to let go of all those old feelings of worthlessness.

I think I like this new girl. Buh bye, Impostor.

(yes, I know impostor is spelled wrong in both of the memes I posted. But they have good meaning lol)