RP: Ugh! You won’t believe what my mother did this time! 

ME: Oh?

RP: Well, you know how I told you how much she makes me nuts? She totally ruined my life! She’s so selfish. As a kid, she never was there when I needed her. She was so wrapped up in herself! She never was the mom I needed. You know all the stuff she did! That woman ruined my life! 

ME: Okay?

RP: So, I am having a birthday party for my youngest. I sent my mother an invitation just like I always do (against my better judgement!) and she called to RSVP last night. Do you know what that woman had the nerve to say???

ME: ???

RP: Oh my God! She wants to bring her new boyfriend! Like I want another strange guy at my house! Has she ever thought of anyone but her self??? Does she not think???

ME: Okay, stop. Please, just stop talking. (pause, deep breath) Do you ever hear yourself when you talk about your mom? Every time you talk about her, you bring up every past sin she ever committed. Every time. 

RP: I do?

ME: Yes. I am not saying your mom did not make mistakes. I am sure she did. She’s human. Making mistakes is part of life. 

RP: Yeah, but….

ME: Stop! Just listen to me! (another pause) Have you ever thought about what your mom went through? Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, she did the best she could? 

RP: (blank stare)

ME: Your mom may not have done a great job raising you, but she did the best she could. I’m not saying that her best was good enough, but it was her best. Can you think about that for a minute??? She screwed up! She drank too much or ignored you or worked too much or whatever. I get it. But she did the best she could. I’m gonna guess if you asked, she would do anything to go back and make it better for you. 

RP: Not my mom! She’s too selfish! Remember when….

ME: Stop! You’re doing it again! I love you. You are a dear friend, but I need you to stop beating up your mom for things that happened years ago. It is done. She cannot fix it. I cannot fix it. She did the best she could.

RP: …..

ME: I know that it is not a consolation, but it can help you heal. What I hear from you when you talk about your mom, is years and years of resentment and anger. All of that is churning inside of you. It is eating YOU up from the inside. 

RP: It still hurts.

ME: I get that! I really do. But the only reason it still hurts is because you are choosing to hold on to it. “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Think about that. The person most hurt by you holding on to all of that is you. 

RP: *sigh* 

ME: Do you love your mom? 

RP: Of course! She’s my mom! But she…

ME: Stop. You love her. It is time to forgive. Forgive her, let it go and move on. Don’t let all those years of resentment color new situations.

RP: I don’t do that!

ME: Really? How long has your mom been dating her boyfriend?

RP: This one? Jeez… I dunno. Maybe 2 years? But she…

ME: Stop. Think about it. Two years. She has spent a lot of time with this guy and values him. It seems to me maybe she would like you to see that this guy is important to her. Instead of thinking of him as ‘the most recent guy in a long line of losers’ you might want to let go of the past and just think of him as the person your mom cares about.  Remember, you love your mom. 

RP: That’s easier said than done.

ME: I know it is. But you will feel so much better once you let go of all that garbage from the past. I promise you. 

RP: Maybe. I’ll think about it.

This isn’t an actual conversation, just a composite of many I have had and heard. Last night, I was thinking about all of those conversations and what I wish I had said!  So many people hold on to stuff from the past that is so far gone, and it breaks my heart for them. The damage that was done never gets a chance to heal. Each time they bring up the past, they rip the scab off of those old wounds and feel the pain all over again. 

When we hold on to stuff from the past, we do more damage to ourselves than anyone else. Those negative feelings build up until we are unable to see people without clouding our vision.

Think about it. When someone does the same  thing over and over, it often causes us to let all those situations build. We don’t get mad at them for the most recent time they did something that upset us. We get mad at them for EVERY TIME they have done something upsetting. So we react exponentially. 

If we can let go of hurt/resentment towards people, then we can see each situation clearly. Let each situation be a fresh one, and we will be more likely to give each other a break.

If you have the choice between being right and being kind, choose kind. (Wayne Dyer)