I really enjoy following the blog “Bitter Divorcee” written by a woman who is the survivor of a horrible marriage and even nastier divorce. She gives me hope. She has three kids (like me!) and has been through things that help me to put my own issues into perspective.
I have emailed her a few times as a ‘fan’ and then most recently with a question, seeking advice. Guess what?!?!?! She used my email in her blog!!!! So, follow this link to read more….
http://bitterdivorcee.com/2011/05/24/dear-annie-at-what-point-is-it-okay-to-tell-kids-the-truth/
i would love to hear both what you think of her answer to my question, as well as how YOU would answer it……
I read it, and her answer is very thorough and full of excellent advice. I think she is right about how kids feel and find the subtext of situations or answers to questions. You are blessed with 3 very bright girls who don’t miss much!
Wow- well for starters that makes me thankful this is an issue I haven’t really had to deal with much in my own life! I have, however, witnessed the fallout from my IL’s divorce in my hubby’s childhood (they divorced, remarried, and divorced AGAIN…followed by an evil stepmother…it was a mess and messed him up pretty good for a while). So by association, I know that this is a sticky situation and I totally understand why you want to tread carefully!
I think first and foremost it speaks to what a great mom you are that you are so concerned about this! It is a big deal for your kids, and I think what she said about not badmouthing vs. TRUST is spot on. The girls can handle an appropriate portion of the truth, that can be delivered in a non-negative way- and as a result you will hopefully be reinforcing that you will always be honest with them and they can always, always trust you. All in all I’d have to say you got some excellent advice!
Obviously I can’t relate in terms of being married/divorced/a parent, but my one concern about her reply is that it is okay to tell the kids that your ex-husband was “dangerous.” Since they still need to spend time with him, I am not sure that telling them he is/was “dangerous” is a good idea. Otherwise, I thought her advice was appropriate.
Congrats 😉 & who knows, I may be featured next, as prime example of Someone Who Needs to Get Over It! (I rambled off-topic quite a bit, but was likewise focused on age-appropriate portions of truth… It’s better coming from you than from a well-meaning but misguided family member of friend.)
Best wishes, Val